shadowbird: (poor bunny)
 What do you want? No, what do you really want?

I'm dealing with some emotional bullshit right now. I had a date with someone I like(d) a lot, and then in the course of what started as flirty text messaging, I hit one of their triggers (totally inadvertently!). Their response, which was entirely valid, happened to stumble into one of my behaviors that a friend refers to as a "bad pattern test"--a reaction set that does not serve me well, and usually indicates a situation that's not in my best interest. 

The bad pattern test is totally irrelevant to the trigger--the other person does not need to take responsibility for my bad pattern test. HOWEVER, I need to sort it out a bit. 

When I have opened up to be vulnerable about something, and then get shut down by someone. regardless of the actual context, I feel as though I am "too much" for them to handle or want to deal with. Sometimes this is correct, sometimes they just need a minute for whatever reason, often the situation is just a difference in energy levels. The problem is not the reality, it is my reaction to the reality. In those moments, I feel devalued, and as though my vulnerability is not welcome. This is compounded by the fact that I am a hedgehog--I am not actually that vulnerable most of the time. If I show the fluffy belly and it gets poked--even by accident--I react with mega-spikes. This is even more trouble when we factor in that I DO NOT shut down others in vulnerability, even when it would be better for me to do so, because I find that to be an unkind behavior. 

Mostly, in these times, I feel like I am a bad person for being myself and I have to validate everyone else being themselves.I really don't know what to do with this.

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October 2015

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