shadowbird: (mixed up)
I don't know much, but I know these things:
I want to be a dad.
I want to homeschool my kids.
I can write better than I do, and more.
Having a life is like having a cardboard box. It's what you put in it that matters.
Inspiration is taking a bunch of stuff out of the freezer, throwing it in the stock pot, adding water and spices and lighting a fire underneath.
I want to build my life with my hands, something I can be proud of.
I am a fighter, a dreamer, a warrior, a realist, a lover.
Sometimes I don't know where to find you, and so I look for something to guide me home.

shadowbird: (mixed up)
I ordered my dad a copy of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance for his birthday, on Amazon.
I paid extra so it'd arrive on the day, which is Wednesday.
I wrote a note. This is what the note said: "Happy 45th birthday, Dad. Your loving son, CJ"
I may be crazy.
shadowbird: (Paris)
Going a little bats. I want to exercise, and check in about name change stuff, and write a story chunk, and also just be left the hell alone for a while. My eyes hurt and my throat is dry and I think some downtime will do me a lot of good.
Also, if I could just have Cadence here, life would be easier. By, like, a lot.
shadowbird: (Paris)
I am posting now.
Some notes:
I have exercised two days in a row! Go me!
I am being good about using the calendar.
I'm working on defining why and when I want the praise that I do, because it's definitely an issue in multiple situations. I'm looking to be a pleaser and then not getting much feedback and feeling neglected.
I am being reasonably good about food, and actually really good about intake! And breakfast!
The weather has been nice here.

Grateful for:
The girlfriend
Late shifts at work
My Friday night plans. . . *impish glee*
Remembering to buy shave stuff today
The girlfriend
Having signed up for the Landmark Forum. . . I'm really looking forward to that
Going to Noho this month!
Exercises that feel good
Vitamins that taste good
The girlfriend
shadowbird: (Default)
And because I am still angry, a list of things I am grateful for right now:
My girlfriend
Internet radio
Sweet potato chili
Leather jackets
Jeanette Winterson
Public transit
shadowbird: (mixed up)
I hate this. I'm really unhappy with the situation I'm in. I feel as though I'm only getting clear communication when I'm not face-to-face with the person I have the most conflict with. I'm tired of working it out, I just want to walk away.

I also didn't blog yesterday, and I feel crappy about that. I woke up this morning wanting to punch things, and when the rage found a target I felt worse.

I'm tired of this.
shadowbird: (Default)
At the end of the day, tired and beaten,
I want nothing more than to sit at someone's feet,
To curl up, writing, at your feet,
Writer's, speaker's tools, always at my hand,
At your feet. Where I sit, waiting,
Not, even, for acknowledgement, but for the Muse,
The only place I find her, away from distraction,
Stripped of the day-to-day,
At your feet.
shadowbird: (Default)
Resolution update!

Deflecting responsibility--Ongoing, seem to be doing okay.
Spending more than $50/wk on food--Haven't been tracking as aggressively as I ought to, but again, seem to be doing okay.
Avoiding creative projects--big fail. Must do better!

Dragon food plan--Excellent! Feeling better, seem to be getting enough cals!
Use Mint effectively and pay bills on time--Working on this. Need to file more, get more done.
Go back into analysis--haven't really started looking at this yet
Blog daily--Sometimes it's worth it, sometimes it's crap. But it's here every damn day, so.
Name change--on my calendar to start in February
Start a new physical activity--just got on board with the exercises here

Poll: What would you like to hear more about? Leave it in the comments!
shadowbird: (Default)
Headed to the girl for a weekend of debauchery. Also, have fixed the music problems on the Droid. Trains in winter are love. Cookies are delicious. That is all.
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shadowbird: (Default)
Headed home after a long day and a good game of Scrabble with a new person. I lost.
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shadowbird: (mixed up)
First day back at work, first day of software testing. Not feeling organized. Seem to be unreasonably hungry, having trouble differentiating tasks/moments. Love the lovely phone, since I can now blog from the break room. Remembered to check library fines, now just paying them.

Trying to blog every day is good, I think, but my brain is busy today and settling down is difficult. Part of the badness may be connected to the diet coke I had with lunch. We were out of regular. Rawr. Looking forward to home and dinner.

Must remember to do a t update soon, because WOAH my voice is deeper. Also, my girlfriend thinks my stubble is hot.

This post brought to you by chatterbrain.
shadowbird: (mixed up)
Sometimes I wish being a boy were more. . .dramatic maybe? Liberating? The reality is that even though the boy Charlie is happier, calmer, better adjusted, there has been no revolution. Change in life happens slowly, and yet. . .there has been no shocking revelation. Except maybe now I can grow up. Even though I was never suicidal, I was pretty convinced I'd never hit twenty. Mid-college seemed about the right place to just stop. Going to France staved that off pretty well, but since I killed off my boy-self when I came back, I lost a lot of what made me real. I think maybe I'm ready to be real again?
shadowbird: (Default)
What is dragon food?
Dragon food is fresh veggies, fresh or dried fruit, dips, hummus, cereals, trail mix, oatmeal, chips, chocolate, sushi, rice, and lots of other things. Dragon food fits easily in bento, small tupperware, or a baggie, is in small sections or chunks, and is quick to grab. It is generally calorie-dense. It is not necessarily consumed in meals, more in small, as-needed bursts throughout the day.
The goals of eating this way are to diffuse my anxiety around food, reduce my food budget by avoiding takeout, and make sure I get enough nutrients. Calorie goal is a minimum of 1300 daily. Mostly it's supposed to keep me eating and get me to pack lunches.