shadowbird: (poor bunny)
 What do you want? No, what do you really want?

I'm dealing with some emotional bullshit right now. I had a date with someone I like(d) a lot, and then in the course of what started as flirty text messaging, I hit one of their triggers (totally inadvertently!). Their response, which was entirely valid, happened to stumble into one of my behaviors that a friend refers to as a "bad pattern test"--a reaction set that does not serve me well, and usually indicates a situation that's not in my best interest. 

The bad pattern test is totally irrelevant to the trigger--the other person does not need to take responsibility for my bad pattern test. HOWEVER, I need to sort it out a bit. 

When I have opened up to be vulnerable about something, and then get shut down by someone. regardless of the actual context, I feel as though I am "too much" for them to handle or want to deal with. Sometimes this is correct, sometimes they just need a minute for whatever reason, often the situation is just a difference in energy levels. The problem is not the reality, it is my reaction to the reality. In those moments, I feel devalued, and as though my vulnerability is not welcome. This is compounded by the fact that I am a hedgehog--I am not actually that vulnerable most of the time. If I show the fluffy belly and it gets poked--even by accident--I react with mega-spikes. This is even more trouble when we factor in that I DO NOT shut down others in vulnerability, even when it would be better for me to do so, because I find that to be an unkind behavior. 

Mostly, in these times, I feel like I am a bad person for being myself and I have to validate everyone else being themselves.I really don't know what to do with this.

shadowbird: (Default)
I would give almost anything to stop missing you.
To stop probing the edges of
this hole in my life
like the space where a tooth was knocked out,
the taste of blood, the sudden
jagged gap in perfection when plans change.
◾ Tags:
shadowbird: (Default)
So, I stepped down from some responsibilities at my church. I had to admit that it wasn't meeting my spiritual needs, and decided that even though I love the community I need to take my time back to actually do my spiritual work. It was tough and emotional.

I also changed one of my romantic relationships, moving to a more friends-with-occasional-benefits situation. I needed to let go of long-distance relationships for my own emotional health. I need more people in my time zone, as my mother says, in the metaphorical and in the literal senses. That doesn't make it sting any less, and I'm really glad my partner in that relationship is kind and loving and truly wants me to be safe and happy.

I've emailed to see about starting a barre exercise class--working out and being healthy will help make space for other things, too.

I didn't plan on needing to work on this kind of space, and it's heavy.

In happier news, I'm about to embark on Camp NaNo for the succubus story, and bass lessons and time with Mr. K. continue apace.
shadowbird: (Default)
Hanging out quietly at home. Did some divination for a friend, now pondering a movie or digging back into the new William Gibson. Cadence and I went to a signing last night, which was amazing as always. Work was good this week, and things were busy, and things are mostly good. Tomorrow I'm submitting to a poetry magazine, so we'll see if my piece is a good fit. I'm pondering doing NaNo, but I know I don't actually have time. I'm lucky if I tweet every day.

Nothing much else to say. I miss Mike and Grailwood, but I'm mostly OK, and excited for November.

How's by you?
shadowbird: (other destinations)
This year, I:
  • Quit nannying
  • Moved out of Brooklyn, to Northampton, MA
  • Worked with the kids at the Quaker retreat
  • Tried out being a UU
  • Considered divinity school
  • Ended a long-term relationship/engagement
  • Was unemployed for several months
  • Had to live with in-laws and friends for several months
  • Moved back to Brooklyn
  • Did QA work and got paid for it
  • Took a job that doesn't pay enough with a boss who I don't get along with
  • Joined a coven
  • Went to Philcon and had a fantastic time
  • Sang publicly for the first time since being on T
  • Had a scare when I threw my back out
  • Continued raising the kitten
  • Lost a little weight
  • Started a new relationship
  • Started a Pagan blog
  • Realized how bad a fit NYC is for me
  • Started making plans to move to Boston
Generally, my overarching goal for 2011 was to increase the mindfulness and intention I bring to my life. I feel I succeeded in that goal. None of the things that have happened have been truly problematic, and I can see the path out of the difficult bits, which was so untrue last year that it hurt. All in all, I've done ok.

shadowbird: (Default)
Haven't posted in a while, so here's the skinny.
 
 
--Moving back to NYC next week, staying with friends and then moving into my own place and bringing Nimbus down.
--Cadence and I are taking a break, sorta. 
--Working on the job situation.
--Working on finding UUs and pagans I mesh with in the city.
--Meeting up with Someone on the 4th, which should be interesting.
 
Off to the Quaker retreat for the weekend, see you all Tuesday! Have great weekends and stay safe.
shadowbird: (other destinations)
I was evicted, or nearly. The drama went down, for sure. I was running scared, and trying to move, and shoving things in boxes, and trying to find a place to leave Cleo. I was dealing with Josh, and I had just been laid off, and I pretty much felt like I'd never be safe again.

Fast forward to today. I have a good job that's not going anywhere. I'm about to move again, this weekend, to a gorgeous apartment of my own, with my fiancee, in a beautiful neighborhood in this wonderful city. Although I haven't gotten fully together financially yet, I'm cleaning things up quickly. My transition has been moving forward by leaps and bounds. I've made new friends and caught up with old ones. I'm learning to live on my own, without my grandmom to hold things together in the family or my dad to give advice. I feel like I have aged ten years in this one.

And on a less philosophical note, I would be really happy if we could stay in the same apartment for, like, five years now. Holy crap, am I tired of moving.
shadowbird: (Paris)
Lots of things. --My name change is coming out in the paper on Wednesday. --I'm 25. --Cadence and I found and applied for and got a beautiful apartment in Bay Ridge, to move in April 15. --Cadence and I are officially engaged. Like, with a ring and all, although it isn't on her finger just yet. Can I just say I love my life? 'Cause I do.
shadowbird: (other destinations)
I haven't been sleeping much lately. I keep being up and good to go at ten and eleven and midnight, and then crashing during the day. I feel like I'm totally behind on everything and I never get anything done. I also get kinda worried because it's really obvious that Cadence and I are on totally different schedules, sleeping and time wise, and I wonder how that's going to intersect when we live together, especially if I change work shifts.

I've been meeting really weird cool new people, it's awesome and fun and I feel like doors are opening all over the place. I just wish I was getting some more sleep. Being more careful around caffeine would probably help, but I'm just tired anyway and then also having caffeine withdrawal when I try and cut it.

I haven't spoken to my father in over a month.

Stop:
deflecting responsibility--doing okay with this one
spending more than $50/wk on food--this has been completely scrapped
avoiding creative projects--I'm working on writing again

Go:
Dragon food plan--I've been eating better, at least. I dunno if you'd call it a plan though
Use Mint effectively and pay bills on time--Mint is kind of a fail, bill paying is something I'm working on
Go back into analysis--I have people to call, but haven't called them
Blog daily--HA.
Name change--My court date for this is Thursday, and I feel good about it.
Start a new physical activity--Was sorta okay on the five rites, hoping to start Seido sometime soon, maybe.

Yeah. . .stagnation. Bleh.
I need some space, it feels like. I want a new space now, so I can really sort out what goes in it. I always prefer to move in February and March, it feels like the time to purge and restructure and move on. I'm reaching for something but I'm not quite sure what.

Resolution update:
shadowbird: kawaiinot (whirlwind)
I was going to really blog, but it's been too much.
Things of the bad:
  • People dying (Jean, in particular.)
  • Panic attacks
  • Budget fail
  • Relationship fail
  • Messy houses
  • Not sleeping enough
Things of the good:
  • Kissing
  • Cadence
  • Road trips
  • Coats
  • Having a job
  • Understanding friends
  • <4
  • Going home with strangers
  • Working money stuff out
  • Flexible work schedules
  • Taxis
  • Brunch
  • Pandora radio
  • Showers
  • Chocolate
Obviously the good outweighs the bad. Just a bit of a crazy week.
shadowbird: (Default)
Busy busy weekend, full of potential. Busy busy week, with an empty apartment at the end. . .
I like that girl, you know the one. Yeah.
shadowbird: (Paris)
Updating. Coffee date=meh. Other date. . .<grin>.
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shadowbird: (other destinations)
For someone who's being accused (by my father) of being isolationist, I sure do have a ton of friends. The phone is always ringing, I can always find company, I never have to be alone unless I want to. This past week, I've had people with me on Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. I have had more good conversations, face-to-face, in the past seven days than I had had in the three months prior. I've been having intimate encounters, slumber parties, heart-to-heart chats, movie-watching, intellectual debates, and gigglefests. I feel connected to the city and to people. I've been getting and giving support. I'm not feeling touch-deprived for the first time in I don't even know how long, and although I approach things with a healthy caution, I have no fear and very little self-doubt. I know what I need to do and most of how to do it, and I feel good about where I am and where I'm going.


I'm really, truly happy.
shadowbird: (Default)
--Not having enough money for essentials, let alone fun stuff.
--Dating.
--Not dating.
--Not being at Arisia.
--Being in debt.
--Wanting to cry all the time.
--My internet radio not working.
--Not getting laid.
shadowbird: (tori)
~Bleeding. Coping with that. OWWW. If you talk to me you may hear me whine about it. Ouch ouch ouch.
~Everyone in the world should see Fauteuils d'orchestre. Because it's light and sweet and beautiful. And if C├ęcile de France is gay, someone give her my number, please. I would marry her. She's. . .I just want to cuddle her and kiss her and spoil her and worship the ground she walks on and have crazy amounts of sex. Forever.
~Going through some old emails, I realize: Once upon a time I was a really really good girlfriend. This gives me hope for the future.
~Things of the good: big snuggly blankets, beautiful weather, women singers, Cunt, good friends like Mademoiselle Liz, whole-grain bread, chai, and brownies.