shadowbird: (poor bunny)
 What do you want? No, what do you really want?

I'm dealing with some emotional bullshit right now. I had a date with someone I like(d) a lot, and then in the course of what started as flirty text messaging, I hit one of their triggers (totally inadvertently!). Their response, which was entirely valid, happened to stumble into one of my behaviors that a friend refers to as a "bad pattern test"--a reaction set that does not serve me well, and usually indicates a situation that's not in my best interest. 

The bad pattern test is totally irrelevant to the trigger--the other person does not need to take responsibility for my bad pattern test. HOWEVER, I need to sort it out a bit. 

When I have opened up to be vulnerable about something, and then get shut down by someone. regardless of the actual context, I feel as though I am "too much" for them to handle or want to deal with. Sometimes this is correct, sometimes they just need a minute for whatever reason, often the situation is just a difference in energy levels. The problem is not the reality, it is my reaction to the reality. In those moments, I feel devalued, and as though my vulnerability is not welcome. This is compounded by the fact that I am a hedgehog--I am not actually that vulnerable most of the time. If I show the fluffy belly and it gets poked--even by accident--I react with mega-spikes. This is even more trouble when we factor in that I DO NOT shut down others in vulnerability, even when it would be better for me to do so, because I find that to be an unkind behavior. 

Mostly, in these times, I feel like I am a bad person for being myself and I have to validate everyone else being themselves.I really don't know what to do with this.

shadowbird: (trihawk)
This is shitty. I'm so tired of worrying about money, and having that worry affect my sex life, and having that stress affect my mental state, and having my mental state affect my spoon-recovery, which then impedes my ability to work on non-paying things because all the spoons go to paying things to try to alleviate the money worries.

Other people bouncing checks does not help. And neither do my student loans. This is a wanting-to-give-up time. Don't worry, I never actually give up, but this is where I vent about feeling like I need to.
◾ Tags:
shadowbird: (other destinations)
I haven't been sleeping much lately. I keep being up and good to go at ten and eleven and midnight, and then crashing during the day. I feel like I'm totally behind on everything and I never get anything done. I also get kinda worried because it's really obvious that Cadence and I are on totally different schedules, sleeping and time wise, and I wonder how that's going to intersect when we live together, especially if I change work shifts.

I've been meeting really weird cool new people, it's awesome and fun and I feel like doors are opening all over the place. I just wish I was getting some more sleep. Being more careful around caffeine would probably help, but I'm just tired anyway and then also having caffeine withdrawal when I try and cut it.

I haven't spoken to my father in over a month.

Stop:
deflecting responsibility--doing okay with this one
spending more than $50/wk on food--this has been completely scrapped
avoiding creative projects--I'm working on writing again

Go:
Dragon food plan--I've been eating better, at least. I dunno if you'd call it a plan though
Use Mint effectively and pay bills on time--Mint is kind of a fail, bill paying is something I'm working on
Go back into analysis--I have people to call, but haven't called them
Blog daily--HA.
Name change--My court date for this is Thursday, and I feel good about it.
Start a new physical activity--Was sorta okay on the five rites, hoping to start Seido sometime soon, maybe.

Yeah. . .stagnation. Bleh.
I need some space, it feels like. I want a new space now, so I can really sort out what goes in it. I always prefer to move in February and March, it feels like the time to purge and restructure and move on. I'm reaching for something but I'm not quite sure what.

Resolution update:
shadowbird: kawaiinot (whirlwind)
My mom's cat died today. He was six and a half. She thinks he got into some antifreeze or something. She found him lying outside, limp but warm. . .and he threw up on the way to the vet, and then he just was gone. He was my big, gray, long-haired, polydactyl monsterkitten. When he was a baby, his coat didn't really shine yet because he was so fluffy, and he would hide under the bed and he looked like a giant dust bunny. When he got older, he used to climb down the side of our house, which was sided with rough wood shingles. He'd jump off the second-story porch and go down, and you could hear him thinking "Spider-Cat! I am Spider-Cat!"
I loved him very much. Not feeling eloquent about it, but. . .I loved him.
◾ Tags:
shadowbird: (Default)
--Not having enough money for essentials, let alone fun stuff.
--Dating.
--Not dating.
--Not being at Arisia.
--Being in debt.
--Wanting to cry all the time.
--My internet radio not working.
--Not getting laid.

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shadowbird

October 2015

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