shadowbird: (other destinations)
It's Samhain, and I'm not feeling super great, so I may not manage a big ritual this weekend. This is my virtual offering to some of my beloved dead:

To my grandfather Cy, caramels, songs sung off-key, and the biggest hugs in the world.
To my grandmother Mabel, a slice of blackberry pie and late night summer drives listening to Patsy Cline.
To Aunt Janice and Aunt Kathy, endless cups of coffee and hands of cards.
To my grandfather Jim, grilled cheese sandwiches and fishing trips.
To Jen, cake, pink nail polish, and happily ever after.
To Charlie , fry bread, sage smoke, good music, and grace.
To Nikki, an ice cream soda and a really good story.
To Aunt Anne, a lemon bar and an unintentionally dirty joke.
To Puck, a glass of wine and a surprise recitation of Shakespeare.
To the pets: Lucy, Nigel, Joshua, Latte, Licorice, Ginger, Woody, and Tommy, all the snuggles in the world.

To all the lost, to all departed, you are mourned. You are missed. You are not forgotten.

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shadowbird: (Default)
  • Patti Smith wrote the lyrics for "Because the Night" while waiting for her lover to call. If only my frustration were that poignant.
  • I submitted a new poem for publication this week, we'll see if it goes.
  • Still working on the damn succubus story. 
  • Healing from surgery continues apace. Scar tape is annoying. 
  • Work is going well, lots of new projects and exciting things to work on.
  • No progress on the moving to NYC at this exact moment--I have a game plan to start on after some work things settle down.
  • I am going to SO MANY EVENTS this month--seeing Aladdin in the theater, a pagan discussion group meeting/friends out to dinner, a Fleetwood Mac dance party, a Litquake event, a Welcome to Night Vale book release party, a Halloween story reading. . .SO MANY THINGS. Social Charlie is social.
  • I need to pick up my knitting again and finish that enormous scarf before scarf weather hits.
  • I want to create a casual (work-wearable) Cheshire Cat costume. Because Reasons.
How's by you?

shadowbird: (trihawk)
Surgery in about 9 hours. I feel. . .mostly empty? Ready, but queasy, like the night before a flight. All the prep has me edgy--extra stuff in my room, a partner in my bed. . .too much going on. It was way too hot today, which didn't help. Too much stimulation, too hot too loud too touchy. I'm sure it'll all go fine, I just feel restless and edgy. But I'm ready. I'll be so much more comfortable once I'm all healed up.
shadowbird: (Default)
This is a test post!
shadowbird: (jeunesse)

Yesterday and Next Year
with gratitude to Alyssa Harley


was hard. The Supreme Court

decided I could marry

a man or a woman with impunity,

just three days after a Latina trans immigrant was booed out of the White House

for saying the struggle is not over

because she has bigger problems than a hers&hers wedding registry.

I did it too. I said to friends, to family, jesus, can’t we take one day to be happy,

can’t we let people celebrate and rest for a minute

and come back refreshed in a minute

ready to fight again?

Some people quietly agreed, and some shouted that thought down, and some quietly disagreed,

and I was angry. And I slept on it, and thought what do I have to be angry about?

Despite my intersectional identities I am sitting pretty high up on the privilege pyramid

(English as my first language, white skin, citizenship and

if I take it in any particular moment the ability
to pass as a straight cis man, if you don’t look under these clothes.)

I realized that yesterday I was angry because of my privilege,

the privilege even for a minute to feel that we have worked hard enough

that a break is coming, that I

will reach the top of that pyramid and sit in the sun.

There are people at the bottom holding me up,

holding you up. They are crushed under the weight

of good enough and not my fight and that must be so hard and next year.

They have fought the fights that were not theirs,

shown up for rallies and on picket lines,

paid their dues and listened to the promise of next year.

next year

you can stay in this country

your rape will be prosecuted

your name will be your own

your body will be safe in bathrooms and bars and the streets

next year

you can have privacy

you can make your own medical choices

your identity will be respected

next year

I’ll sign the nondiscrimination bill

next year

I’ll remember that Stonewall was a riot

next year

you can be proud too.
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shadowbird: (poor bunny)
 What do you want? No, what do you really want?

I'm dealing with some emotional bullshit right now. I had a date with someone I like(d) a lot, and then in the course of what started as flirty text messaging, I hit one of their triggers (totally inadvertently!). Their response, which was entirely valid, happened to stumble into one of my behaviors that a friend refers to as a "bad pattern test"--a reaction set that does not serve me well, and usually indicates a situation that's not in my best interest. 

The bad pattern test is totally irrelevant to the trigger--the other person does not need to take responsibility for my bad pattern test. HOWEVER, I need to sort it out a bit. 

When I have opened up to be vulnerable about something, and then get shut down by someone. regardless of the actual context, I feel as though I am "too much" for them to handle or want to deal with. Sometimes this is correct, sometimes they just need a minute for whatever reason, often the situation is just a difference in energy levels. The problem is not the reality, it is my reaction to the reality. In those moments, I feel devalued, and as though my vulnerability is not welcome. This is compounded by the fact that I am a hedgehog--I am not actually that vulnerable most of the time. If I show the fluffy belly and it gets poked--even by accident--I react with mega-spikes. This is even more trouble when we factor in that I DO NOT shut down others in vulnerability, even when it would be better for me to do so, because I find that to be an unkind behavior. 

Mostly, in these times, I feel like I am a bad person for being myself and I have to validate everyone else being themselves.I really don't know what to do with this.

shadowbird: (Default)
I would give almost anything to stop missing you.
To stop probing the edges of
this hole in my life
like the space where a tooth was knocked out,
the taste of blood, the sudden
jagged gap in perfection when plans change.
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shadowbird: (Default)
So, I stepped down from some responsibilities at my church. I had to admit that it wasn't meeting my spiritual needs, and decided that even though I love the community I need to take my time back to actually do my spiritual work. It was tough and emotional.

I also changed one of my romantic relationships, moving to a more friends-with-occasional-benefits situation. I needed to let go of long-distance relationships for my own emotional health. I need more people in my time zone, as my mother says, in the metaphorical and in the literal senses. That doesn't make it sting any less, and I'm really glad my partner in that relationship is kind and loving and truly wants me to be safe and happy.

I've emailed to see about starting a barre exercise class--working out and being healthy will help make space for other things, too.

I didn't plan on needing to work on this kind of space, and it's heavy.

In happier news, I'm about to embark on Camp NaNo for the succubus story, and bass lessons and time with Mr. K. continue apace.
shadowbird: (mixed up)
I'm not at church this morning. As much as I love the community at herchurch , the spirituality is just not speaking to me these days. Calling the Divine "She" is just not the most important part of religious experience for me. Also, in my experience, there's just not a Divine One. There's the Divine One I'm  talking to at the moment, sure, but I am a hard polytheist. That's my experienced truth, and I'm sticking with it. Every time I try to work in an assumed singularity of the divine, I just get to a point where I feel like I'm lying, and lying in your spiritual practice is a damn fine way to get your ass kicked.

I'm frustrated by the lack of something like Grailwood out here. It was what I needed, and I still need it. It's hard to do all this on my own.

Maybe it's time to go back to "everything is devotional". That worked for a while. Part of my problem with herchurch is what feels, to me, like a lack of the ecstatic, the ferocious, the fecund and the fierce. I can live that without a group, for now.
shadowbird: (jeunesse)
  • Moved! Again! Still in SF, and here's hoping I can stay settled for awhile, because I threw out some boxes. That marks the 14th time in eight years. Far too much. The room is still a mess, but Nimbus and I are getting settled in. It's really cute and relaxed here, and there's not much in the way of expectations between the flatmates. It's been restorative.
  • FoGCon was delightful! I made a lot of new acquaintances, had a lovely time with Mr. K. and his wife, and got my arm signed by Cathrynne Valente. Both panels I was on went very well, I got to wear the shiny red pants, and even got asked on a date. (It'll be Friday.) I was asked to come back and be on panels again next year, which is always a good feeling.
  • One of my friends had a really bad week last week. I did a lot of caretaking. It was kinda heavy, but it seems like things are more evened out for them now.
  • Haven't gotten anything new written, although a few poems are percolating. One about the apartment I lived in in France that should be good if I can get it out. I'm kicking around ways to revamp The Abbey if I take Kit out of it, we'll see how that goes.
  • I'm revamping what a personal practice needs to look like for me. I am a hard polytheist, and I need to own that at this point. Debating how church fits into that. It'll be an interesting direction meeting this week, for sure. I'm also going back through some of my Grailwood notes and materials. Kind of angry that it feels like I'm always in flux with this as with so many other things.
  • I'm turning thirty next week. Working out how I feel about that. I wish I'd created some more permanence by now, but I guess I'm basing the whole idea on what my parents were doing at thirty, and look how most of that turned out.
  • I'd really like a primary relationship in my life at this point. I'm a bit worn down by always being the secondary, even though I have lovely partners. I want someone to do those everyday things with. This might be helped by finding a partner with less of a commute and more of a compatible schedule, too.
  • Work's going pretty well, thankfully. We had one of our remote team members in town for the last 2 weeks, which was super fun.
  • I emailed Dad for his birthday, and he emailed back. Progress!
  • Been catching up on stupid adult things, a bit. I have a consult for surgery next month, so hopefully that ball can start rolling, and I'm working on financial planning and transferring my ID to California and all that jazz.
I think that's all the news here. How's by you?

shadowbird: (Default)
Wearing: Docs, dark jeans, TeeFury "Lyds and Worm" shirt in purple

Reading: In the middle of The Collection: Short Fiction from the Transgender Vanguard

Writing: Tomorrow is a writing day! Today is a cleaning-so-I-don't-get-distracted day, after work.

Planning: Writing day! Also, have to donate blood tomorrow.
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shadowbird: (Default)
Working out some things in my head.
  • What do you see as a signifier of your involvement in various groups or subcultures?
  • Do you tweak your appearance?
  • Do you have several different sets of clothes in your wardrobe, some of which you should not wear to your job or around your family?
  • What things about your appearance make you feel most like yourself?
  • Do you fall into the habit of underplaying your weirdness?
  • Does your tribe have a secret handshake?
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shadowbird: (jeunesse)
The Story of 2015 So Far: I need a Tribe.

Working on this in various ways, but as a prologue, have some Heather Dale:

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shadowbird: (other destinations)
This year's goals will be simpler:
  • Listen to my body, and nourish it with food and movement.
  • Solidify my meditation practice, including more moving meditation.
  • Explore new areas in the city.
  • Do something creative every week.
  • Dress for the social life I want to have.
What will you be doing this year?
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shadowbird: (Default)
Here were the goals I planned on this year, and how they went:
  • Keep track of all the books I read--Done! 59 this year, which is an improvement over last year.
  • Finish applying to Starr King School for the Ministry, and hopefully begin classes in the fall.--This has been scrapped. It just wasn't taking the shape I needed.
  • Finish a crochet project.--Nope. Didn't even get it properly started.
  • Get a haircut I like.--Yup yup! A couple of different ones, in fact.
  • Get a new tattoo.--An awesome one, drawn by a dear friend and done on my birthday.
  • Start all the medical/dental stuff I've been putting off.--Sorta? I ended up switching insurance and doctors towards the end of the year, so I'm back at square one but moving more quickly.
  • Send more letters, post cards, packages, and flowers--at least something every month.--An utter fail.
  • Take a trip somewhere I've never been.--Another fail. I didn't travel anywhere near enough this year.
  • Decorate my apartment.--Which one? I moved a lot, and decorated a bit in each place.
  • Learn to make a new food.--Not a new food so much, but I did craft some new dishes, mostly involving throwing things together in a loaf pan and baking until they were food.
  • Find a local place to hang out outside of my apartment.--Sorta? I've moved about, so there's different spots now, but I have a few I like.
  • Take Nimbus to a park.--Done! He didn't care for it much.
So. Four wins, four fails, four halfway-theres. I think I aimed high this year, and the energy that could have gone into these went into some different things instead. Here are my other accomplishments of the year:
  • Changed jobs twice, doing a stint in foreign-language social media and then moving to a startup environment with some amazing people and a great vision.
  • Moved into SF proper, which has opened a bunch of doors.
  • Joined a Goddess church, which has been a lovely outpouring of community, a great way to honor my syncretic roots, and a wonderful connection to this time and place.
  • Became a published, paid author.
Lots to think about. I'm not sure yet what I want out of 2015.

shadowbird: (Default)
You can read my first poetry publication here:

Comment there or here and tell me what you think!
shadowbird: (Default)
Hanging out quietly at home. Did some divination for a friend, now pondering a movie or digging back into the new William Gibson. Cadence and I went to a signing last night, which was amazing as always. Work was good this week, and things were busy, and things are mostly good. Tomorrow I'm submitting to a poetry magazine, so we'll see if my piece is a good fit. I'm pondering doing NaNo, but I know I don't actually have time. I'm lucky if I tweet every day.

Nothing much else to say. I miss Mike and Grailwood, but I'm mostly OK, and excited for November.

How's by you?
shadowbird: (other destinations)
This year I want to focus more on stuff to do and skills to build, so I plan to:
  • Keep track of all the books I read--I did this for 2013 and managed to get to a book a week average, which feels pretty awesome.
  • Finish applying to Starr King School for the Ministry, and hopefully begin classes in the fall.
  • Finish a crochet project.
  • Get a haircut I like.
  • Get a new tattoo.
  • Start all the medical/dental stuff I've been putting off.
  • Send more letters, post cards, packages, and flowers--at least something every month.
  • Take a trip somewhere I've never been.
  • Decorate my apartment.
  • Learn to make a new food.
  • Find a local place to hang out outside of my apartment.
  • Take Nimbus to a park.
Let's go!

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shadowbird: (jeunesse)
This year's goals were:
  • Keep track of all the books I read.--Done and dusted. 52 new ones!
  • Get down to 135 pounds--HA, probably never again.
  • Renew my passport.--Didn't get around to this.
  • Keep on top of bills and keep paying down debt.--I got into more debt than I intended to, but I am aware of and mostly on top of it, so I call this one a win, given the circumstances.
  • Keep working on figuring out my spiritual path.--This one definitely took some unexpected detours, but I've kept working on it!
  • Make my apartment awesome.--A bit hit-or-miss on this, but I have a clean and comfortable and quiet and safe little space all of my own, so it looks like a win to me!
  • Enjoy the year.--Overall, yeah.
Other notable things this year:
  • Two new jobs
  • A cross-country move to California, with the cat
  • Amazing new partners--Mike and Bard
  • Great new coworkers
  • Started learning to crochet
  • Attended Episcopal Church for Advent
  • Baked bread on my own
  • Sang in an amazing choir concert
  • Took acting classes
  • Went to an SF con where I didn't know anybody
  • Made a mask with the Frouds
All in all, a pretty good year. Some things were hard, and some things were strange, but I feel neutral at worst, so that's good.